Monday, April 25, 2016

Refleksi

Akhir-akhir ini lagi sering-seringnya nemenin Rifandy nonton basket sambil dengerin dia cerita tentang pengalamannya main basket dulu. Dia cerita kalo jago atau enggaknya dia main itu tergantung lawannya. Kalo ketemu lawan yang jago, dia jadi ikutan jago mainnya. Sebaliknya, kalo ketemu lawan yang biasa aja atau malah nggak jago, dia jadi biasa juga. Waktu dia cerita itu aku cuma “Oh iya ya” sambil lalu aja.
Tapi setelah dipikir-pikir lagi...he’s got a point. Nggak cuma di basket aja hal itu berlaku, tapi juga di hubungan, dan mungkin di beberapa hal lainnya dalam hidup. Apa yang aku beri, itu yang aku dapat. Kalo aku ngerasa dia sering nyebelin, itu berarti karena akunya juga sering nyebelin. Kalo aku ngerasa dia kadang masih nggak bisa nahan emosi, itu karena akupun juga gitu. Pasangan itu kan refleksi diri kita. Kalo mau pasangan yang baik, jadilah baik. Kalo mau pasangan yang dewasa, jadilah dewasa. Teori ini aku udah ngerti dari dulu tapi nggak pernah ngejalaninnya. Emang di dunia ini yang paling gampang itu ngelihat kurangnya orang lain. Aku jadi suka kecewa dan marah-marah kalo dia gini gitu, tanpa pernah ngelihat diriku sendiri yang juga masih gini gitu. I tend to forget that when I point a finger at him, I have 3 fingers pointing at myself.
See? Masalah hidup yang menurutku ruwet ini hampir selalu solusinya sederhana. Terlalu sederhana sampai aku sering lupa.
Kalo kata The Beatles, “And in the end, the love you get is equal to the love you give.”
So if you want to be loved more, love more.
Pretty simple, yes?

Thursday, April 7, 2016

Frightened

“It is a frightening thought, that in one fraction of a moment you can fall in the kind of love that takes a lifetime to get over.”
—Beau Taplin

It was not love at the first sight, but the moment I realized that it was love, I was already falling deeply if not more. And I knew in that time that there was no way out of it.
I did let go of him. 5 years ago I finally made peace with the fact that it just did not work out and probably would never be. I managed to push the feeling deeply to the bottom of my heart and promised myself to never ever open that part of my heart. And it worked. I was finally okay. I let go of him.
This is the funny part. When the thought of him had not bothered me for years and the pain was finally gone, the entire universe conspired to help us meet. He came out of nowhere and suddenly, all the hard work that I have been doing all these years fell through. The feeling in the bottom of my heart? It burst at the seams. It was in all over my heart, in my eyes, in my mind, in the air I breathed in, everywhere. And for that I hate him. I hate that I am so powerless. I hate that I have no control of my feelings. I hate that I am so into him.
I hate him. I hate him as much as I love him. Is it possible for heart to endure that kind of feeling? A feeling so big you don’t realize that you are capable of having.
If this does not work out, I don’t know if it is possible for me to once again push the feeling to the bottom of my heart. I don’t know if I will ever let go of him just the way I did. I don’t know if I could ever heal. I don’t know how many years I will need to get over him—probably a lifetime.

Sometimes I wonder whether it is a curse or a gift, to be able to love someone so deeply.
I hope it is the latter.

Sunday, August 30, 2015

The Man

(somebody asked me to describe him on my ask.fm and this was my answer)

Well...it needs a special skill to deal with a man like him, a skill that I have not yet mastered even though I've known him for almost 8 years now, but I'm trying my best.
I won't say that he's perfect because nobody is. He has flaws and there are a lot of things that I don't like about him. But I can tell that he's changed. He has changed a lot. He is a much better person than he was couple years ago. Still not perfect, but I'm not looking for perfection, so
He drives me crazy most of the time, annoys me a lot I wanna punch him right in the face. He is a very competitive person in any aspect, really. He is not the most mature person in the world, that is for sure. And romantic is definitely not the word I'd use to describe him.
God I make my boyfriend looks awful. No, he's not.
He buys me ice cream when I'm on period, (occasionally) makes the cutest good night text, tells the funniest joke ever, rocks everything he wears (I don't know how he does this), has the best smell (and it's not because of perfume) and laugh, and is the sexiest basketball player in the whole universe ever!
But aside from the corny little things... He cares about me, considers my safety and health as top priority (if that makes any sense), I mean, man, he really knows how to make me feels safe like nothing in this world could ever harm me when I'm with him, you know? He's the one I can tell everything to, from my deepest fear to my biggest dream, stories that remained untold for the past few years when he wasn't here.
He is my best friend, my first love, my first heartbreak, my high school crush, my 'the one that got away', my 'what ifs', my unsolved business, the subject of every writing I wrote, the one I think about when I listen to love songs, the one I pray for.
He is the answer of why it didn't work out with everybody else.

Saturday, June 27, 2015

Pijar

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“Stargazing itu nggak harus nunggu langit malam cerah. Cuma perlu momen pas kita lagi ketawa-ketawa, aku, kamu, tiba-tiba refleks bertentang mata.

Meski tentang itu tak lama, melaluinya kita yakin ada pendar, ada pijar.

—Kinia Eyusa Merry















Aku rindu sekali, kapan kamu pulang?

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

Blue

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Currently craving for something blue.
It could be, 
the sea, and the calm that always comes afterward, 
the sky, and how beautiful everything looks up there. 
Or it could be, 
the shirts, and the fact that you were mesmerizing in them. 

I prefer the latter.