Thursday, April 7, 2016

Frightened

“It is a frightening thought, that in one fraction of a moment you can fall in the kind of love that takes a lifetime to get over.”
—Beau Taplin

It was not love at the first sight, but the moment I realized that it was love, I was already falling deeply if not more. And I knew in that time that there was no way out of it.
I did let go of him. 5 years ago I finally made peace with the fact that it just did not work out and probably would never be. I managed to push the feeling deeply to the bottom of my heart and promised myself to never ever open that part of my heart. And it worked. I was finally okay. I let go of him.
This is the funny part. When the thought of him had not bothered me for years and the pain was finally gone, the entire universe conspired to help us meet. He came out of nowhere and suddenly, all the hard work that I have been doing all these years fell through. The feeling in the bottom of my heart? It burst at the seams. It was in all over my heart, in my eyes, in my mind, in the air I breathed in, everywhere. And for that I hate him. I hate that I am so powerless. I hate that I have no control of my feelings. I hate that I am so into him.
I hate him. I hate him as much as I love him. Is it possible for heart to endure that kind of feeling? A feeling so big you don’t realize that you are capable of having.
If this does not work out, I don’t know if it is possible for me to once again push the feeling to the bottom of my heart. I don’t know if I will ever let go of him just the way I did. I don’t know if I could ever heal. I don’t know how many years I will need to get over him—probably a lifetime.

Sometimes I wonder whether it is a curse or a gift, to be able to love someone so deeply.
I hope it is the latter.

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