Monday, April 25, 2016

Refleksi

Akhir-akhir ini lagi sering-seringnya nemenin Rifandy nonton basket sambil dengerin dia cerita tentang pengalamannya main basket dulu. Dia cerita kalo jago atau enggaknya dia main itu tergantung lawannya. Kalo ketemu lawan yang jago, dia jadi ikutan jago mainnya. Sebaliknya, kalo ketemu lawan yang biasa aja atau malah nggak jago, dia jadi biasa juga. Waktu dia cerita itu aku cuma “Oh iya ya” sambil lalu aja.
Tapi setelah dipikir-pikir lagi...he’s got a point. Nggak cuma di basket aja hal itu berlaku, tapi juga di hubungan, dan mungkin di beberapa hal lainnya dalam hidup. Apa yang aku beri, itu yang aku dapat. Kalo aku ngerasa dia sering nyebelin, itu berarti karena akunya juga sering nyebelin. Kalo aku ngerasa dia kadang masih nggak bisa nahan emosi, itu karena akupun juga gitu. Pasangan itu kan refleksi diri kita. Kalo mau pasangan yang baik, jadilah baik. Kalo mau pasangan yang dewasa, jadilah dewasa. Teori ini aku udah ngerti dari dulu tapi nggak pernah ngejalaninnya. Emang di dunia ini yang paling gampang itu ngelihat kurangnya orang lain. Aku jadi suka kecewa dan marah-marah kalo dia gini gitu, tanpa pernah ngelihat diriku sendiri yang juga masih gini gitu. I tend to forget that when I point a finger at him, I have 3 fingers pointing at myself.
See? Masalah hidup yang menurutku ruwet ini hampir selalu solusinya sederhana. Terlalu sederhana sampai aku sering lupa.
Kalo kata The Beatles, “And in the end, the love you get is equal to the love you give.”
So if you want to be loved more, love more.
Pretty simple, yes?

Thursday, April 7, 2016

Frightened

“It is a frightening thought, that in one fraction of a moment you can fall in the kind of love that takes a lifetime to get over.”
—Beau Taplin

It was not love at the first sight, but the moment I realized that it was love, I was already falling deeply if not more. And I knew in that time that there was no way out of it.
I did let go of him. 5 years ago I finally made peace with the fact that it just did not work out and probably would never be. I managed to push the feeling deeply to the bottom of my heart and promised myself to never ever open that part of my heart. And it worked. I was finally okay. I let go of him.
This is the funny part. When the thought of him had not bothered me for years and the pain was finally gone, the entire universe conspired to help us meet. He came out of nowhere and suddenly, all the hard work that I have been doing all these years fell through. The feeling in the bottom of my heart? It burst at the seams. It was in all over my heart, in my eyes, in my mind, in the air I breathed in, everywhere. And for that I hate him. I hate that I am so powerless. I hate that I have no control of my feelings. I hate that I am so into him.
I hate him. I hate him as much as I love him. Is it possible for heart to endure that kind of feeling? A feeling so big you don’t realize that you are capable of having.
If this does not work out, I don’t know if it is possible for me to once again push the feeling to the bottom of my heart. I don’t know if I will ever let go of him just the way I did. I don’t know if I could ever heal. I don’t know how many years I will need to get over him—probably a lifetime.

Sometimes I wonder whether it is a curse or a gift, to be able to love someone so deeply.
I hope it is the latter.